How to Forge and Maintain Lasting Social Bonds

In this compelling discussion on the Beyond the Boardroom podcast with Aleksandra King, Professor Robin Dunbar delves into the mechanics of social bonding—specifically, the time, cognitive effort, and fundamental similarities required to cultivate deep, lasting friendships. This article explores the economic and psychological investment that governs our social circles.

The Economy of Friendship: Time Investment

Professor Dunbar stresses that relationships are fundamentally dependent on the investment of time.

• The 200-Hour Rule: To move a complete stranger (someone "outside your 150") into your 15-person social clique, it takes "about 200 hours of face to face contact".
• The Rule of Decay: Friendships are dynamic; if you stop investing time, they decay. It takes about two years of not seeing a person for them to move from a close friend (the 15-layer) to just an acquaintance.
• The Brutal Rule of Replacement: To bring a new close friend into your intimate circle, "somebody's got to fall out of your circle.". This is most evident in romantic relationships, where a new partner can push two existing friends/family out of the inner core of five.

The Jane Austen Problem and Similarity

Dunbar introduces "the Jane Austen problem" to explain why we choose the friends we do. The core phenomenon is homophily: the tendency to prefer people who are similar to us. The seven pillars of friendship are cultural similarities—such as sense of humour, musical taste, hobbies, moral views, and political views—are what predict the longevity of a relationship. Everyone wants to be friends with (or marry) the ideal, most attractive person (the "Mr. Darcy" ), but that person only has a limited number of slots. The rest of us settle for "friends of convenience until we find somebody better". The more similar you are, the longer the bond will last.

Social Diplomacy and the Power of Gossip

The primary cause of catastrophic relationship breakdown is a loss of trust or feeling overexploited.

• The Original Meaning of Gossip: Dunbar explains that "gossip" is a corruption of "god sib" (peer group). The original, positive sense is simply "hanging out" and passing along information, which is vital for managing relationships and preventing "faux pas".
• Charismatic Leadership: A good leader provides direction and structure. In a social context, individuals who organize and bring people together are essential. However, once a group exceeds 50 people, a formal structure (a committee or clear management) is required to prevent it from "falling apart".

The Ultimate Tip: Fast-Tracking Intimacy

If you want to rapidly build a strong bond and improve your social connections, Dunbar recommends a set of behaviours called the social toolkit: laughter, singing, dancing, rituals, feasting, and storytelling. Singing is "by far the best" and most powerful tool to "break the ice". An hour of community singing with complete strangers can make them feel "as though they've known each other since they were at primary school". Singing in synchrony triggers the endorphin system, the emotional component of relationships, much faster than anything else.

Watch the full podcast now on the Aleksandra King Youtube Channel  or discover more about Dunbar's Number and what it means?